I ought to be clear: while I'm highly opinionated, I try my hardest to not be judgmental. Parenting is such a touchy topic, I understand that - and also take in consideration I am not even a mother, myself. In the realm of parenting, I've only been witness and daughter, so it's tricky to fully review a book on parenting without getting a couple of weird glances my way.
With that said, this is my (ever neglected) blog, and I get to do whatever the bloody hell I want :)
So. Amy Chua.
The book is a light read, I read it one night - or should I said devoured it? I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's a memoir, not a manual. What Mrs. Chua pointedly discusses regarding Chinese vs. Western parenting is not who loves their child more, or who wants what is best for their child more, but rather, how they go about it.
In Chinese culture, it's okay for a parent to think their child owes them everything, and the expectation of perfect grades and excelling in worthy activities such as music is an everyday thing. In Western culture, learning is supposed to be fun, and your expectations of your child can only stay within the diameter of what is okay for them. "B+? Good job!" says a Western parent. "B+? No dinner tonight!" says a Chinese one.
My mother is Peruvian. A Peruvian Tiger Mother.
A Peruvian Tiger Mother I adore with all my heart. She taught me how to read at age 3, write at 3 and a half (somewhat), and do basic math at 4. I read books for my age weekly. Nothing less was expected. If I got a B in math, I not only had a mini panic attack, I thought the name of my family would be shamed forever.
So when I read how Amy Chua brought up her daughters Sophia and Lulu, nothing really struck me as odd. Here, I'm biased. I had a Tiger Mother. Like Mrs. Chua, my mother had no problem telling me an A- was unacceptable. Why? Because she truly, deeply, madly believed I was fully capable of getting an A+. That's why no excuses were ever accepted.
In one odd moment in the book, the Chinese mother confronts Lulu about a song she was playing on the piano. Lulu loses her marbles and tears the music sheet apart. The mother tapes it back and makes Lulu keep practicing. You know what my mother would have done? Maybe I shouldn't tell.
No sleepovers, no play dates (I had cousins at family get togethers and birthday parties at school, that was enough), what do you mean Girl Scouts? Yet my childhood was the happiest time of my life. I looked forward to a new book, I came home holding a perfect score on a spelling test eager to show my parents. I thrived on their praise when I did things right (that's where Chua is different from my rearing). Example?
On one occasion, Chua's daughters made cards for her birthday. They were last minute "Happybirthdaymomloveyou" cards. She rejected the cards because she knew her daughters could do better, and saw the half-effort as ingratitude. Do I understand her thinking? Yes. Do I think she reacted in an ideal manner? No. But I'm not going to judge her. Her eldest daughter performed at Carnegie Hall at age 15. I haven't even conceived my first born. I better keep my mouth shut.
 |
| Sophia at Carnegie Hall |
Plus my mother would've taken my lame birthday card. Just saying.
A results-oriented parenting style was sort of what my parents did. Push, push, push. A+, Mozart, charm school, read faster, swimming team, piano concert this weekend, horseback riding tomorrow morning, spelling award, you better aspire to be something more than a housewife, 1st place in this, in that. I liked it. True, sometimes I wished I could've been a Girl Scout like the rest of my friends, but looking back, the stack of diplomas in my school memories box makes for a better memory than ... whatever the Girl Scouts at my school did. I think they sold cookies.
The book is incisive, provocative, it truly shows you what it is to be in the middle of a culture clash. And it's not just a clash. It's more like the end of the world is happening and all of a sudden, your youngest child humbles you and show you that your system is flawed. Back off, Tiger Mother.
True, Chua could've seen it coming when her own mother warned her that Lulu was not responding well to Chinese parenting. But Tiger Mother pushed on. Which led to my favourite part of the book, a full-blown scream and yell match in the middle of the family's vacation in Russia. Only this time the child wins. And she is allowed to quit violin.
Ultimately, the humbling takes place inside Chua's deepest, darkest fear, that place I've only heard of and have yet to experience: "I've ruined my child's life". Except Lulu's not ruined, she's just too untameable to be put under the recalcitrant system of Chinese parenting. It just won't fully work on her.
Thus, the revelation of the entire book: Whatever style of parenting you're planning to practice on your kids, it might work, it might not. Well, at least what's what I took from the book. Chua's oldest daughter responded to the Tiger Mother methods, Lulu ... not so much.
In fact, closer to home, the way my parents raised me is different with the way they're still raising my younger-by-ten-years brother. They're a whole lot more relaxed on him, on his grades, on his social life. But he's also quite different from me. So my parents decided to practice, upon noticing "Oh hey, this one's a boy ... and not like Jen" to practice what they jokingly call Designer Parenting. Custom tailored for each child!
Ha ha, father. Ha ha.
Sure, same set of house rules, but the personal approach tends to be different. Same amount of love for both, no choosing favourites, but understanding that we're not made with the same mold (thank goodness - just kidding, I love my brother).
The book does have a happy ending in that Chua learns how to back off, when to push and when to just altogether hand it to their daughters. Admittedly not everything is perfect, but the family strives for a healthy balance.
And everybody could use a little balance.
Ultimately the choice in parenting lies within, newsflash, the parent. What Chua does, what my mother did, what I will do when I become a mother, will be up to each mother. For the people that have heavily criticized this book, how about a nice warm cup of shut up? Relax, it's just a memoir.
In a gist, if you're reading his book and find her methods horrible, put it down, have some ice cream and move on. I'm quite certain this book was written with the intention to entertain or communicate a mother's journey at the most, not to teach. All mothers make mistakes at one point or another, and who's to judge? Right? Of course right! So. Like I said, it's a good read, and I enjoyed it through and through. I would highly recommend it.
"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" on Amazon.
True, Chua could've seen it coming when her own mother warned her that Lulu was not responding well to Chinese parenting. But Tiger Mother pushed on. Which led to my favourite part of the book, a full-blown scream and yell match in the middle of the family's vacation in Russia. Only this time the child wins. And she is allowed to quit violin.
Ultimately, the humbling takes place inside Chua's deepest, darkest fear, that place I've only heard of and have yet to experience: "I've ruined my child's life". Except Lulu's not ruined, she's just too untameable to be put under the recalcitrant system of Chinese parenting. It just won't fully work on her.
 |
| Lulu, age 13 |
Thus, the revelation of the entire book: Whatever style of parenting you're planning to practice on your kids, it might work, it might not. Well, at least what's what I took from the book. Chua's oldest daughter responded to the Tiger Mother methods, Lulu ... not so much.
In fact, closer to home, the way my parents raised me is different with the way they're still raising my younger-by-ten-years brother. They're a whole lot more relaxed on him, on his grades, on his social life. But he's also quite different from me. So my parents decided to practice, upon noticing "Oh hey, this one's a boy ... and not like Jen" to practice what they jokingly call Designer Parenting. Custom tailored for each child!
Ha ha, father. Ha ha.
Sure, same set of house rules, but the personal approach tends to be different. Same amount of love for both, no choosing favourites, but understanding that we're not made with the same mold (thank goodness - just kidding, I love my brother).
The book does have a happy ending in that Chua learns how to back off, when to push and when to just altogether hand it to their daughters. Admittedly not everything is perfect, but the family strives for a healthy balance.
And everybody could use a little balance.
Ultimately the choice in parenting lies within, newsflash, the parent. What Chua does, what my mother did, what I will do when I become a mother, will be up to each mother. For the people that have heavily criticized this book, how about a nice warm cup of shut up? Relax, it's just a memoir.
In a gist, if you're reading his book and find her methods horrible, put it down, have some ice cream and move on. I'm quite certain this book was written with the intention to entertain or communicate a mother's journey at the most, not to teach. All mothers make mistakes at one point or another, and who's to judge? Right? Of course right! So. Like I said, it's a good read, and I enjoyed it through and through. I would highly recommend it.
"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" on Amazon.
